I REMEMBER

THE OTHER DAY I ASKED MY FATHER WHY WOULD THEY HAVE ONE OF THESE SHORT STAY MOTELS IN A RESIDENTIAL AREA. I SAID " WAS IT A STRAIGHT UP CRACK HEAD AND WHORE MOTEL"? HE EXPLAINED TO ME WHEN FAMILIES ARE DISPLACED AND HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO GO OR IF THEY HAVE NO MONEY THAT THE GOVERNMENT SETS THEM UP AND PAYS. HE THEN WENT ON TO EXPLAIN TO ME THAT MY SISTER IN LAW DELLA WAS IN ONE OF THOSE IN ELMSFORD WITH MY NEPHEWS AND NIECES, AND THEN SAID NOTHING. SO QUICKLY DID I REMEMBER BECAUSE I KNEW. I THEN TOLD HIM, OH YEAH I REMEMBER BECAUSE I LIVED THERE WITH THEM FOR THAT MONTH BEFORE WE MOVED TO GETTY SQUARE. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF HOW CAN I FORGET, I HAVE PICTURES OF SABRINA, TONY, AND ME AS I WAS HOLDING LITTLE RICHIE AS AN INFANT AND HOW I WOULDNT OF LEFT THEM. I REMEMBER. BOY WAS THAT A CRAZY TIME.

I REMEMBER

I WAS CHILLIN WITH RUM, GRANDMA, TITI PITA, AND UNCLE PHIL THE OTHER DAY WHEN A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY VISITED. IT LEAD ME TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO THE 13 YEAR OLD GIRL WAS. I, AS WELL AS TITI THOUGHT SHE LOOKED A LOT LIKE MY SISTER. COULD SHE BE MY HALF SISTER? I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A YOUNG CHILD AFTER MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED THINKING THAT I HOPE MY FATHER FINDS SOMEONE ELSE TO SHARE HIS LIFE WITH, AND HOW HE TALKED ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD. I REMEMBER TELLING HIM HOW I WOULD LOVE THAT FOR HIM, BUT ONLY IF THE CHILD HE DID HAVE WOULD HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME AS HIM THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO GET MY NAME CHANGED FIRST. I COULD RECALL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY HOW I WAS 3,4,5,6,7 YEARS OLD AND I WOULD WAIT UP WITH MY MOM FOR MY FATHER TO COME HOME. MOST TIMES I WOULD FALL ASLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND ON THE OCASSION ON A SATAURDAY I WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT AND HALF OF SATAURDAY NIGHT LIVE UNTIL HE CAME IN. I WOULD BE SO HAPPY. WE WOULD EAT POP ROCKS AND FINISH WATCHING SNL, AND HEAR MY MOM ASK MY POP WHY WAS HE OUT SO LATE, AND WHY WAS PAMELA, AND DAVID, AND OTHER GIRLS AND GUYS MORE IMPORTANT. I GUESS I ALWAYS WONDERED IF MY FATHER WAS REALLY MY FATHER THEN WHY WAS MY LAST NAME DIFFERENT FROM HIS? WHY WAS MY FATHERS NAME NOT ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE? DID MY MOM GIVE HIM A HARD TIME? MAYBE? BUT I KNOW IF IT WAS ME AND I HAD A CHILD I WOULD OF FOUGHT TILL THE ENDS OF THE EARTH TO SIGN THAT CERTIFICATE. I ALWAYS WONDERED, WAS HE THERE AT THE HOSPITAL WHEN I WAS BORN. ITS JUST ONE QUESTION OUT OF MANY THAT ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ASK MY MOM. ANYWAY I WOULD THEN ALWAYS ASK THE QUESTION, AM I MY FATHERS SON? MAYBE I AM , MAYBE I'M NOT, BUT IT DIDNT HELP ME TO ANSWER ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS WHEN MY FATHER FOUGHT FOR CUSTODY OF MY SISTER, AND LEFT ME TO BE. I WOULD OF WENT WITH MY MOM ANYWAY, AND IM BLESSED THAT I DID, BUT HE NEVER ASKED. HE WOULD JUST GO ON FOR YEARS AND TELL ME THAT HE DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO FIGHT FOR BOTH OF US. AS A CHILD I KNEW WHAT I KNOW NOW, THAT WHEN YOU FILE PAPERS FOR CUSTODY IT DOESNT COST MORE TO PUT DOWN ANOTHER NAME ON THE PAPERS. I REMEMBER.

whats my worth?

whats my worth? is something I've been asking myself a lot lately. It seems like the ones I love the most or who are the closest to me have me questioning my worth to this world. I use to think that the intangibles that you bring to life are the most important. I once said that, I said that the morals and virtues your family and friends teach you are important, but someone told me no. then I said that just because you are taught them doesnt mean they will come out in you. dont get me wrong, i'm not perfect and I dont claim to be, I have definately made my share of mistakes, but when you wear your heart out on your sleeve, and have a different way of looking at life than most others do you will more times than not be walked all over. sometimes people take my kindness for weakness, and it makes me feel like being like some others and just being caught up in the daily rutine of their lives. I cant though, I TRY TO PUT ON THAT STERN LOOK AND HAVE THOSE FEELINGS, BUT IT NEVER WORKS FOR ME. MOST OTHERS WITH THAT ATTITUDE SEEM TO GET MORE ACCOMPLISHED AND GET MORE RESPECT FROM OTHERS WHICH I THINK THEY REACT LIKE THAT TOWARDS THEM BECAUSE FEAR WAS INSTILLED IN THEM. LIKE ROBBIE D SAID IN BRONX TALE "THEY DONT RESPECT HIM, THEY FEAR HIM". BUT HE DID HAVE MORE THAN MOST, AND THATS WHAT ITS ABOUT HERE IN AMERICA, ITS ABOUT HAVING THE MOST OR MORE THAN THE NEXT PERSON. WHO HAS THE BIGGER HOUSE, OR THE MOST EXPENSIVE CAR OR THE BEST DESIGNER CLOTHES AND THATS WHAT IM SURROUNDED BY DAILY. I GUESS I HAVE BEEN BLIND ALL THIS TIME, CAUSE THATS HOW YOUR WORTH IS MEASURED. I THINK I'VE BEEN A FOOL BY SAYING ALL THIS TIME THROUGH MY LIFE THAT ITS THE SMALL THINGS ABOUT A PERSON IS THE MOST IMPORTANT, AND THAT ALL MATERIAL THINGS IN THE WORLD CAN ALWAYS BE BOUGHT.I THOUGHT I HAD A SOLID BASE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT, BUT RECENTLY I WAS TOLD BY SOMEONE DEAR TO ME THAT I HAD NO BASE, NO FOUNDATION, AND IT HURT BECAUSE I THOUGHT I DID. I WAS WRONG AGAIN. I WILL TELL YOU THIS THOUGH, SOME PEOPLE THAT ARE IN MY LIFE THAT ARENT AS CLOSE AS OTHERS TELL ME DIFFERENT. THEY TELL ME THAT WHAT I DO FOR A CAUSE TO HELP OTHERS IS GREAT AND THAT ILL REAP REWARDS, BUT I DO HAVE TO SAY TO THOSE WONDERFUL PEOPLE THAT I AGREE, BUT THEIR WRONG CAUSE BETWEEN MY FAMILY AND OTHERS THEY SEE MY EFFORTS AS JUST A WASTE OF TIME AND I GET VERY DISCOURAGED. I FEEL REAL SAD A LOT. I WISH THESE PEOPLE WHOM I LOVE VERY MUCH COULD UNDERSTAND ME AND FEEL WHAT I FEEL IN MY HEART. THERE'S A QUOTE THAT GOES" IN A HUNDRED YEARS IT WONT MATTER TO ME WHAT KIND OF CAR I DROVE OR WHAT KIND OF HOUSE I HAD OR HOW MUCH MONEY I HAD, BUT THAT I MADE A DIIFFERENCE IN THE LIFE OF A CHILD. ME I JUST WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN ALL PEOPLES LIVES. I GUESS I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED FOR BEING ME.

I WILL START UP AGAIN SOON

I HAD TO POSTPONE MY TRIP AND WILL START UP AGAIN SOON. I GUESS EVERYTHING IS FOR A REASON. IT WAS MEANT FOR ME TO LEAVE WHEN I DID AND STAY AT HOME AS I HAVE. "THE BEST LAYED PLANS OF MICE AND MEN"

FOR A LOOP

THEY SAY A JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES BEGINS WITH ONE, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AS GOOD AS THINGS HAVE BEEN LIFE ALWAYS THROWS YOU FOR A LOOP AND SEEMS TO BALANCE IT OUT. WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS NOT JUST THAT MY BOY SMOOK WAS GIVEN A LITTLE SCARE WITH HIS SONS APPENDIX BURSTING, OR EVEN THAT I GOT SICK ON THIS TRIP AND HAD TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND GET TREATED, BUT IT WAS TO BE A YEAR ON THE 25TH OF JULY THAT MY MOM HAD PASSED, AND I HAD RECENTLY JUST STAYED IN ATHOL MASS. WITH MY FAMILY, AND WAS PREPARED TO APPRECIATE MY TITI TATA, AND MY COUSINS IVAN, YVONNE, SAMMY AND THEIR WIVES AND CHILDREN WHO I DONT GET TO SEE TO OFTEN IN MY LIFE. I DID SPEND 2 DAYS WITH THEM AND DID ENJOY THE SHORT TIME I HAD. I DIDNT GET TO SEE SAMMY, BUT I DID SPEAK TO HIM AND WE DID TALK ABOUT GETTING UP SOON. BUT AS MY LIFE WOULD HAVE IT TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, JUST A FEW DAYS AFTER I LEFT A DAY BEFORE THE 25TH I WAS IN UPSTATE NEW YORK AND WAS TOLD THAT MY COUSIN SAMMY WAS IN A SERIOUS CAR ACCIDENT. SO WITH MY COUSINS WE RODE BACK TO ATHOL, AND THEN ON THE 1 YEAR TO THE DAY THAT MY MOM HAD PASSED THEY PULLED THE PLUG ON SAMMY. HE WAS GONE AND THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO. LIKE ANY OTHER FAMILY WE WERE HURT. IM SO GLAD I MADE IT THERE WITH MY FAMILY AND EVEN IF WAS TO ONLY SPEAK TO SAMMY, I WAS GLAD I DID. I WILL RIDE FOR YOU TOO SAMMY.

questions

I HAVENT BEEN AROUND MUCH SINCE MY TRIP STARTED, BUT I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS. I QUESTION MYSELF HOW SUCCESSFUL MY TRIP WAS LAST YEAR, OR HOW IT WILL BE THIS YEAR. IN MANY WAYS IT WAS LAST YEAR. REMEMBER, A PERSON IS NEVER GONE IF YOU CAN FIND A WAY TO REMEMBER THEM. ALOT HAS WENT DOWN IN MY WORLD, AT HOME WITH MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, REBUILT OLD FRIENDSHIPS, NEW ONES, AND SOME HAVE EVEN COME TO AN END. SINCE 05 GEORGE'S MOM HAD PASSED AS WELL AS MOMMY AND MITCH, JAMES AND LESLIE HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED, LOU, AND GINA HAD A SON, MIKE AND TARA AS WELL HAD A DAUGHTER. I ALSO HAVE FOUND A GREAT LOVE IN MY LIFE, THANK YOU LULU, AND EVEN GOT TO SPEAK AND HANG OUT WITH PETERSON, AND JACKSON BRIEFLY, AND SAW GELSI AND HIS NEW WIFE AFTER MANY YEARS, AND SAW JAY HOWARD TOO IN THE VERNON. MY BROTHER DARREN ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL SOON BE MARRIED TO HIS LOVE. LIFE I THINK IS GOOD.