I REMEMBER

THE OTHER DAY I ASKED MY FATHER WHY WOULD THEY HAVE ONE OF THESE SHORT STAY MOTELS IN A RESIDENTIAL AREA. I SAID " WAS IT A STRAIGHT UP CRACK HEAD AND WHORE MOTEL"? HE EXPLAINED TO ME WHEN FAMILIES ARE DISPLACED AND HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO GO OR IF THEY HAVE NO MONEY THAT THE GOVERNMENT SETS THEM UP AND PAYS. HE THEN WENT ON TO EXPLAIN TO ME THAT MY SISTER IN LAW DELLA WAS IN ONE OF THOSE IN ELMSFORD WITH MY NEPHEWS AND NIECES, AND THEN SAID NOTHING. SO QUICKLY DID I REMEMBER BECAUSE I KNEW. I THEN TOLD HIM, OH YEAH I REMEMBER BECAUSE I LIVED THERE WITH THEM FOR THAT MONTH BEFORE WE MOVED TO GETTY SQUARE. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF HOW CAN I FORGET, I HAVE PICTURES OF SABRINA, TONY, AND ME AS I WAS HOLDING LITTLE RICHIE AS AN INFANT AND HOW I WOULDNT OF LEFT THEM. I REMEMBER. BOY WAS THAT A CRAZY TIME.

I REMEMBER

I WAS CHILLIN WITH RUM, GRANDMA, TITI PITA, AND UNCLE PHIL THE OTHER DAY WHEN A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY VISITED. IT LEAD ME TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO THE 13 YEAR OLD GIRL WAS. I, AS WELL AS TITI THOUGHT SHE LOOKED A LOT LIKE MY SISTER. COULD SHE BE MY HALF SISTER? I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A YOUNG CHILD AFTER MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED THINKING THAT I HOPE MY FATHER FINDS SOMEONE ELSE TO SHARE HIS LIFE WITH, AND HOW HE TALKED ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD. I REMEMBER TELLING HIM HOW I WOULD LOVE THAT FOR HIM, BUT ONLY IF THE CHILD HE DID HAVE WOULD HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME AS HIM THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO GET MY NAME CHANGED FIRST. I COULD RECALL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY HOW I WAS 3,4,5,6,7 YEARS OLD AND I WOULD WAIT UP WITH MY MOM FOR MY FATHER TO COME HOME. MOST TIMES I WOULD FALL ASLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND ON THE OCASSION ON A SATAURDAY I WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT AND HALF OF SATAURDAY NIGHT LIVE UNTIL HE CAME IN. I WOULD BE SO HAPPY. WE WOULD EAT POP ROCKS AND FINISH WATCHING SNL, AND HEAR MY MOM ASK MY POP WHY WAS HE OUT SO LATE, AND WHY WAS PAMELA, AND DAVID, AND OTHER GIRLS AND GUYS MORE IMPORTANT. I GUESS I ALWAYS WONDERED IF MY FATHER WAS REALLY MY FATHER THEN WHY WAS MY LAST NAME DIFFERENT FROM HIS? WHY WAS MY FATHERS NAME NOT ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE? DID MY MOM GIVE HIM A HARD TIME? MAYBE? BUT I KNOW IF IT WAS ME AND I HAD A CHILD I WOULD OF FOUGHT TILL THE ENDS OF THE EARTH TO SIGN THAT CERTIFICATE. I ALWAYS WONDERED, WAS HE THERE AT THE HOSPITAL WHEN I WAS BORN. ITS JUST ONE QUESTION OUT OF MANY THAT ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ASK MY MOM. ANYWAY I WOULD THEN ALWAYS ASK THE QUESTION, AM I MY FATHERS SON? MAYBE I AM , MAYBE I'M NOT, BUT IT DIDNT HELP ME TO ANSWER ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS WHEN MY FATHER FOUGHT FOR CUSTODY OF MY SISTER, AND LEFT ME TO BE. I WOULD OF WENT WITH MY MOM ANYWAY, AND IM BLESSED THAT I DID, BUT HE NEVER ASKED. HE WOULD JUST GO ON FOR YEARS AND TELL ME THAT HE DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO FIGHT FOR BOTH OF US. AS A CHILD I KNEW WHAT I KNOW NOW, THAT WHEN YOU FILE PAPERS FOR CUSTODY IT DOESNT COST MORE TO PUT DOWN ANOTHER NAME ON THE PAPERS. I REMEMBER.

whats my worth?

whats my worth? is something I've been asking myself a lot lately. It seems like the ones I love the most or who are the closest to me have me questioning my worth to this world. I use to think that the intangibles that you bring to life are the most important. I once said that, I said that the morals and virtues your family and friends teach you are important, but someone told me no. then I said that just because you are taught them doesnt mean they will come out in you. dont get me wrong, i'm not perfect and I dont claim to be, I have definately made my share of mistakes, but when you wear your heart out on your sleeve, and have a different way of looking at life than most others do you will more times than not be walked all over. sometimes people take my kindness for weakness, and it makes me feel like being like some others and just being caught up in the daily rutine of their lives. I cant though, I TRY TO PUT ON THAT STERN LOOK AND HAVE THOSE FEELINGS, BUT IT NEVER WORKS FOR ME. MOST OTHERS WITH THAT ATTITUDE SEEM TO GET MORE ACCOMPLISHED AND GET MORE RESPECT FROM OTHERS WHICH I THINK THEY REACT LIKE THAT TOWARDS THEM BECAUSE FEAR WAS INSTILLED IN THEM. LIKE ROBBIE D SAID IN BRONX TALE "THEY DONT RESPECT HIM, THEY FEAR HIM". BUT HE DID HAVE MORE THAN MOST, AND THATS WHAT ITS ABOUT HERE IN AMERICA, ITS ABOUT HAVING THE MOST OR MORE THAN THE NEXT PERSON. WHO HAS THE BIGGER HOUSE, OR THE MOST EXPENSIVE CAR OR THE BEST DESIGNER CLOTHES AND THATS WHAT IM SURROUNDED BY DAILY. I GUESS I HAVE BEEN BLIND ALL THIS TIME, CAUSE THATS HOW YOUR WORTH IS MEASURED. I THINK I'VE BEEN A FOOL BY SAYING ALL THIS TIME THROUGH MY LIFE THAT ITS THE SMALL THINGS ABOUT A PERSON IS THE MOST IMPORTANT, AND THAT ALL MATERIAL THINGS IN THE WORLD CAN ALWAYS BE BOUGHT.I THOUGHT I HAD A SOLID BASE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT, BUT RECENTLY I WAS TOLD BY SOMEONE DEAR TO ME THAT I HAD NO BASE, NO FOUNDATION, AND IT HURT BECAUSE I THOUGHT I DID. I WAS WRONG AGAIN. I WILL TELL YOU THIS THOUGH, SOME PEOPLE THAT ARE IN MY LIFE THAT ARENT AS CLOSE AS OTHERS TELL ME DIFFERENT. THEY TELL ME THAT WHAT I DO FOR A CAUSE TO HELP OTHERS IS GREAT AND THAT ILL REAP REWARDS, BUT I DO HAVE TO SAY TO THOSE WONDERFUL PEOPLE THAT I AGREE, BUT THEIR WRONG CAUSE BETWEEN MY FAMILY AND OTHERS THEY SEE MY EFFORTS AS JUST A WASTE OF TIME AND I GET VERY DISCOURAGED. I FEEL REAL SAD A LOT. I WISH THESE PEOPLE WHOM I LOVE VERY MUCH COULD UNDERSTAND ME AND FEEL WHAT I FEEL IN MY HEART. THERE'S A QUOTE THAT GOES" IN A HUNDRED YEARS IT WONT MATTER TO ME WHAT KIND OF CAR I DROVE OR WHAT KIND OF HOUSE I HAD OR HOW MUCH MONEY I HAD, BUT THAT I MADE A DIIFFERENCE IN THE LIFE OF A CHILD. ME I JUST WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN ALL PEOPLES LIVES. I GUESS I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED FOR BEING ME.

I WILL START UP AGAIN SOON

I HAD TO POSTPONE MY TRIP AND WILL START UP AGAIN SOON. I GUESS EVERYTHING IS FOR A REASON. IT WAS MEANT FOR ME TO LEAVE WHEN I DID AND STAY AT HOME AS I HAVE. "THE BEST LAYED PLANS OF MICE AND MEN"

FOR A LOOP

THEY SAY A JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES BEGINS WITH ONE, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AS GOOD AS THINGS HAVE BEEN LIFE ALWAYS THROWS YOU FOR A LOOP AND SEEMS TO BALANCE IT OUT. WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS NOT JUST THAT MY BOY SMOOK WAS GIVEN A LITTLE SCARE WITH HIS SONS APPENDIX BURSTING, OR EVEN THAT I GOT SICK ON THIS TRIP AND HAD TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND GET TREATED, BUT IT WAS TO BE A YEAR ON THE 25TH OF JULY THAT MY MOM HAD PASSED, AND I HAD RECENTLY JUST STAYED IN ATHOL MASS. WITH MY FAMILY, AND WAS PREPARED TO APPRECIATE MY TITI TATA, AND MY COUSINS IVAN, YVONNE, SAMMY AND THEIR WIVES AND CHILDREN WHO I DONT GET TO SEE TO OFTEN IN MY LIFE. I DID SPEND 2 DAYS WITH THEM AND DID ENJOY THE SHORT TIME I HAD. I DIDNT GET TO SEE SAMMY, BUT I DID SPEAK TO HIM AND WE DID TALK ABOUT GETTING UP SOON. BUT AS MY LIFE WOULD HAVE IT TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, JUST A FEW DAYS AFTER I LEFT A DAY BEFORE THE 25TH I WAS IN UPSTATE NEW YORK AND WAS TOLD THAT MY COUSIN SAMMY WAS IN A SERIOUS CAR ACCIDENT. SO WITH MY COUSINS WE RODE BACK TO ATHOL, AND THEN ON THE 1 YEAR TO THE DAY THAT MY MOM HAD PASSED THEY PULLED THE PLUG ON SAMMY. HE WAS GONE AND THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO. LIKE ANY OTHER FAMILY WE WERE HURT. IM SO GLAD I MADE IT THERE WITH MY FAMILY AND EVEN IF WAS TO ONLY SPEAK TO SAMMY, I WAS GLAD I DID. I WILL RIDE FOR YOU TOO SAMMY.

questions

I HAVENT BEEN AROUND MUCH SINCE MY TRIP STARTED, BUT I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS. I QUESTION MYSELF HOW SUCCESSFUL MY TRIP WAS LAST YEAR, OR HOW IT WILL BE THIS YEAR. IN MANY WAYS IT WAS LAST YEAR. REMEMBER, A PERSON IS NEVER GONE IF YOU CAN FIND A WAY TO REMEMBER THEM. ALOT HAS WENT DOWN IN MY WORLD, AT HOME WITH MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, REBUILT OLD FRIENDSHIPS, NEW ONES, AND SOME HAVE EVEN COME TO AN END. SINCE 05 GEORGE'S MOM HAD PASSED AS WELL AS MOMMY AND MITCH, JAMES AND LESLIE HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED, LOU, AND GINA HAD A SON, MIKE AND TARA AS WELL HAD A DAUGHTER. I ALSO HAVE FOUND A GREAT LOVE IN MY LIFE, THANK YOU LULU, AND EVEN GOT TO SPEAK AND HANG OUT WITH PETERSON, AND JACKSON BRIEFLY, AND SAW GELSI AND HIS NEW WIFE AFTER MANY YEARS, AND SAW JAY HOWARD TOO IN THE VERNON. MY BROTHER DARREN ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL SOON BE MARRIED TO HIS LOVE. LIFE I THINK IS GOOD.

am i nuts

I RODE ALMOST A HUNDRED MILES FROM MY FAMILY'S HOUSE IN MASS, AND IT WASNT SO BAD WITH THE BERKSHIRE MOUNTAINS AND ALL AS IT WAS THE 96 DEGREE WEATHER. I LITERALLY ALMOST DROPPED DEAD AFTER I THREW UP. I FINALLY GOT TO ALBANY AND CHECKED IN TO MY HOTEL, AND THE NEXT DAY I EVENTUALLY GOT OVER THE FEVER AND THE SHAKES I HAD. I STAYED AN EXTRA DAY. IF I WOULD OF LEFT EARLY IN THE MORNING AS I PLANNED I WOULDNT OF HAD MADE IT.

can we make a bigger difference this year?

All I have to say is that this year less than a year after riding across the U.S. I will be leaving to ride my bicycle again to raise money for The American Cancer Society in my moms name, Carole Porfilio, and Mitch Berke, but this year i will circle the U.S., leaving from New York on june 25th, 2006, and will be returning by November covering 12,000 miles. well we'll see. anyway theres alot i have to say about what I've been through in the last year, and the wonderful new people I met also. Just wanna thank Nancy Berke, Vincent Pastore, and the Berke family, Luanda Cavaco, my family, and friends new and old. I'll see you on thursday Mitch when Nancy and I visit you. Love you all, and I will speak to you soon, world.

music says it all

This Greenday song that Dave has on his on cd in his car I listen to it over and over again and it speaks to me and describes my trip perfectly.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this task, and dont ask why
Its not a question, but a lesson learned in time

Its something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I know I had the time of my life
'' "

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hangin on a shelf in good health, and good time
Tatoos of memories, and ask and Ill trial
Through what its worth
It was worth all the while

Its something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I know I had the time of my life
" "

Its not a question, but a lesson learned in time

Its something unpredictable, but in the end its right, I know I had the time of my life
" "



I had the time of my life!

Seeing things

I,ve been back and Ive enjoyed some time with my nephews and nieces, my brother, father, Gabe, Dave, and Billy. I even traveled to the Manhattan, and the Bronx by subway and bus and walked around on 149th to 138th to the Concorse and back into Westchester. I saw some people who helped sponsor me, and rode Daves bike to those places which felt like it took me forever to get to on his bike. Before riding Mitch's bike, I rode Daves mountain bike and it seemed like the easiest thing to ride but not anymore. His bike rode like an old hooptie that had transmission trouble. The One big difference Ive seen since I came back was the people. Almost everyone with the exception of a few, I could see right through like I never had been able to before. Its like I saw into the heart of them. Even if they showed a smile or not they all seemed the same way, very unhappy, even if that person was making a lot of money or not,or was at work orr just trying to enjoy the time off. Its something you're able to see I guess when you take a trip like mine. It seems that people are worring about things in their lifeand letting it effect them in a way they dont even realize. Im not happy they look that way and it doesnt get me down, it just makes me happy that I dont have that feeling and Im concious of it and will never allow it to return. I kept thinking a lot of what has changed for me in the last 3 or 4 months. Like Ive mentioned befor from July till now, I had a mother and she's gone, I had a new friend in Mitch and he's gone, I had work, a girlfriend, and a place to live. Now all of it is gone, and the last thing I feel is bad,because even with those things gone for some great reason my mind wont allow me to feel bad. I returned home, and I returned home safe with new friends I met along the way, an experience that will last a lifetime that I know will work wonders for me and has already, and I also returned to new friends and old and family that loves me. So in all actuality I returned to be richer than Ive ever had been before. It just seems to me that most people while living their lives dont do the one thing they're suppose to. They're suppose to enjoy it and not be too preoccupied and get too caught up in it. I say, what good is this life we have if we cant enjoy it even if times are good or bad. People around here anyway have shown me even when its good they still dont enjoy it like they should. Just smell the air, feel it whip through your hair, listen to the people laughing and talking of times passed. Life is good you just got to try to see it for all its goodness. We are not guarenteed another day or even another hour, live up life, and find your reason for being." Im only the greatest tapdancer on earth" You are? "Of course I are, cross my heart, I just keep asking myself how many times can I come back tomorrow"

Just thinking

I COULD REMEMBER BEING ON THE ROAD ESPECIALLY in the mid west, and west of the music they played. Not a lot of stations came in all of the time, but when they did it was country, and spanish, only not the kind of spanish music played here in N.Y., it was old hillbilly Mexican music. I thought about all the food I ate which was mostly fast food like McDonalds, Burger King, Subway, and 7 eleven pre wrapped sandwiches. Its not like I could of even enjoyed slices of pizza cause everywhere in the country you could only get pies. Actually in Chicago I found a slice by Wrigley field that was excellent but it was 4 dollars, and when in San Fran they had slices the size of my hand for 2.50. While on the road some days I did get to listen to some Joepardy, wheel of Fortune, and even some Seinfeld, on my radio that had a television band. I could also remember how I would get on the bike weather it was rainy, cloudy or sunny. I would think to myself after I made it through another day how if I would of stayed where I was instead of riding in bad weather and being happy that I did leave towards my next destination. I'd spend a ton of money each day on chocolate, power bars, and a whole bunch of water, and Power Ade. Sometimes depending on where I was the time went by slow, and sometimes very fast. I guess some days more than others I had more on my mind. I was lonely most of the time even with the people Ive met which for the exception of the few I gotten rides from I really only had minutes to get to know them or hear of their stories. Things sometimes come to me as a blurr and only when I look at pictures can I remember. Its weird, I actually miss the days that I had cursed. Its easy now to reflect but at the time it was very frustrating. Taking a trip like mine I didnt really get that much time to enjoy places like the Pacific Coast, cause I could only really stop for a few seconds at a time and admire the view and snap a pic or two. Maybe if I ever go cross country again it will be in a car and I could really enjoy it.

Home

I returned home on a flight out of Oakland where I met Katline from various places around the world including Nepal, and Costa Rica, and various other places in the U.S. She was actually on her way to upstate New York where she was going to adopt a child of a friend who about 6 months ago died from cancer. Then there was Bud who grew up in P.A., and now living in Northern California was traveling to the city for a three day stay to enjoy Eric Clapton and Cream in concert. They were both great and made the long trip go by fast. I arrived at J.F.K. AIRPORT at 3:30 and was happy to be in N.Y. There was only one problem I had waiting for Dave to pick me up and that was it was too cold , well for the type of clothes I had on anyway. I saw James, and Jackie, and then fell asleep at Daves house. I then woke up the next morning thinking I was going to get on my bike. It felt wierd to be home, and a part of me still wanted to be on the road. Im filled with so much energy that its hard for me to stand still. The next day I made my usual contacts and saw Rick, and the kids, and also saw Gary and Steve at Specs and spoke to all others who had helped me on my trip. Myfather and grandmother had returned from P.R., and my pop was excited to see me back and was happy to see me safe. Then there was Nancy, and Jared, mitch's wife, and son who had met me in Mt. Vernon to take me up to Scarsdale to have dinner with Mitch's sister, mother, father, brother in law, and nephew, and niece. Dinner was great and so was the family. It was great to finally put faces behind the voices. I was so happy to be with them, and enjoyed hearing stories from Jared and Nancy about Mitch and even during an interview with Ken Valenti from The Journal News IT GOT EMOTIONAL. Nancy had shown me a picture of Mitch and I was happy to get to see what he looked like but it still wasn't the same. Nancy said the picture of Mitch was from a time when he was felling better during easier times. She even shared a storie of Mitch's last hours and how Jared tried to make it back in time to see him. Hey Jared I know what its like to not be able to be there when a parent breathes their last breath. Sorry for your loss guys, but I know Mitch was listening that night when we toasted to him. Im sure he was happy we were together knowing that his kindness and love for life helped me complete my trip. Right now my life feels full of energy and I will channel all of it in a positive manner.